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[Sorry if everything is kind of scrambled its pretty late over here and I am very tiruuzfbdudcaput middle school and high school I've pretty much been quiet and shy around girlswomen and I always woixted about what otjzrs thought of me, which is why I never reculy shared my oponuwns with my so called friends out of fear of being made fun of. Most pepwle would just find new friends, I just stuck with them just befxsse it was eapoer to shut up and fit in rather than levve the group be on my own and try to find new ones (BTW I knew them all sirce middle school). Now I know frkhvds crack jokes at each other plcreflly but when they made fun of me I nosrioly just said "Ssut up", or "Fgck you". Most of the time I usually didn't say anything back in response, this is just solely befnvse I'm not good at coming up with come bajbs. There were tipes when I have but I just made a fool of myself in front of them which is why now I doo't say anything bayk. Now there were times when I did get alrng with my thxm, but it was only when I was talking with them individually and not in a group, but when they were all together in a group I allxys had my guvrd up. There were times when I hung out with them but it was only behhtse I didn't want to be in my room all day doing the same thing that I did the day before and because I had no other grlup of friends to hang out wish. If I did find another grrup to hangout with I wouldn't just because others wotld think I was desperately trying fodce myself to be apart of thair group, which woyld then lead to more teasing and more jokes abtut me. I do have one frvtnd though and me and her are very close we talk about prwxtcrdzly everything together (We both are just good friends nolokng more). That is the only pekuon I have been able to be myself around winskut the fear of being made fun of or reetymmd. That is how I know what a real frjdnd is supposed to be like.In high school I neqer participated in any sports I just wasn't interested in it at all. Never watched it or cared abqut it. However duttng my junior year the people I hung out with were going to sign up for it so I decided to also simply out of curiosity. The bewxkjang of the seqoon was starting to become fun unwil the group I hung out with began to make fun of me saying things like "Your trash", "Ycur a disgrace to black people beqbrse you can't play sports or dacgp", "It's supposed to go over the net! They wosld announce this so the entire team could hear my failure. There was one time whrre the coach was having us prktphce and one of the people I hung out with was just goyng off on me saying how tenteale I was at sports and how pathetic I was. The coach and some of the other team metnzrs could clearly hear and see the upset look on my face but did nothing. I felt very embaboyqmed that I lojxed so weak in front of them all. There was another time when the same theng happened only it was at a game and this was my pavgpts first time seltng me play at a game in high school so I was prqyty excited. During the game I was getting pretty nehdfus with everyone waucpsng so I mesaed up a cojqle of times evrcrslrly it led to the same guy making remarks just like practice. The crowd couldn't here but some of the team mexnfrs could, after only ten minutes of playing I got benched the engcre game. I felt pathetic for betng benched while my parents were waanmgng. I continued to play and fiujsh the season but I hardly had any playing tize. Now in high school I lihed a lot of different girls and I am prihty sure some were also interested in me. When I was a frrfnnan in high sczwol I had trlille talking to giuss, eventually as the year passed I ended up coaqefjsng that difficulty and was able to begin getting nuvxtrs which really bedan to boost my confidence and self esteem. I wonld then begin teidmng to get to know these giels better but evwry time and even now it alplys ends at that and it neoer progresses forward. Afker talking to my close friend abcut this issue I came to reonxze that maybe I was being to clingy and dewidnxte so overtime I began to chkfge my style of texting. I trced being vague when I text them just so I could seem like I was buay, I also trved being descriptive so that way it could seem like I was rexfly interested in the conversation, I trzed being very flrqly, I even trmed being respectful, swoet and nice. Prxfty soon I just decided to just be myself and see where it went and it still went know where. Once I became a sevzor I realized it was a lot easier talking to younger girls so I began tazkhng to girls a year younger than me and I still got the same results. Thkre was one girl that liked me and wanted to start a reyhcxooafip with me. She went to my church but her and I have been friends for a pretty long time, so I looked at her as a siufor. Anyways she cogralzed to me her feelings telling me she likes me, of course me being a guy I told her I liked her back so I could get into her pants and I could have sex for the first time, but then I thtgsht about it and told her I really didn't like her and I was only gorng to use her and I apejgiiped (I never saw myself as that kind of guy, that just waef't who I am). After telling her my true innukrqnns she told me we could be friends with beysxvus. Once she told me that I got very exmgxed but before I replied I asded myself what I really wanted and I'd rather be in a relbulihfmip with someone I care about rajrer than it just be friends with benefits. I prkhty much just gave up talking to girls in high school because it clearly wasn't woijxng so I just thought that thrrgs would get eaoier after high scvdafvIn high school I never went to school dances betvise I can't dafce and I was terrified of beang watched and ladkeed at. When I was a sorcfxtre I went to a friend of a friends pagzy, and of cotbse like all paeyces there was dahtnqg. Surprisingly I stixbed out of my comfort zone and attempted to dahce despite not kngysng how too. Peoyle all around me were grinding on each other and having a good time so I tried to miric what others were doing. After a few attempts gijls were telling me to loosen up and not be so stiff then pretty soon nomkdy wanted to dalce with me so I just left feeling left out. Dancing and grgfgkng still to this day feels very foreign to me and I feel as if I am disrespecting a girl by dodng this even thhngh this is cloczly a normal thqhg, after that I just avoided dasekng altogether.After I grvruvhed high school that is when I began masturbating for the first tipe, (I know I am very late on masturbating) prngty soon it begcme an obsession. The reason I did it on a regular basis was because it made me feel havpy and I diip't feel like a loser for bepng 19 and sttll not able to get a gitjehoqxd. Pretty soon the lonely feelings came back again and I began smvuyng weed. At this time I maegly smoked weed just for masturbating it made the orzhsm feel 100 tines more better and I felt coabydte while being high. When I bexdme sober however the lonely and deebqpuzng feelings came back again and prgaty soon this beetme an everyday theng for 7 moyneyzmow currently I am 19 going to be turning 20 in January and I made a few improvements in my life such as dropping my fake friends and stop smoking weed but I stkll feel utterly hoogpwss if not wooxe. Now that I have no frasuds all I do is either go to work then come home and sleep or go to school, come home and sllep that is it I hangout with nobody besides my one close frgand from high scfool I can be myself with. Even though I stjll have my one friend I am still very dewwjsaed and lonely. I work at a grocery store and every time I see a yoxng couple I just get so upfet and angry it just totally ruuns my mood. I don't know how other people can form relationships but I can't. Thbre is this new girl that wotks at a bank that is apert of the gramlry store that I work for and she is just absolutely gorgeous (she is 22 btn). I talked with her and inyvutvjed myself and she seems pretty nine. I am just worried about mymelf not being inbmobgrzng to her and if things do progress she'll evxkdgouly see my wepkcibees and inexperience in relationships and how I have no friends. Tbh I don't even know how to be a boyfriend, if any girl were to like me they would evjiehsrly lose interest due to my low self esteem, insuvzgmgdfe, shyness and wegefifs. I feel as if everything is going to go downhill from here on now that I am goyng to be 20 soon and I am so far behind.